Yorkshire IFA v Ellan Vannin
A Sunday in January and not a day I’d typically head out to a game. However, a couple of reasons to do so. Firstly, for reasons I cannot fathom I’ve gone vegan until my 18 month wait to return to drinking in mid-February, and I would currently quite happily kill another human just for the taste of some sort of meat or dairy product, or the merest drop of sweet, sweet alcohol. Sitting at home does not help this. Secondly, the game was the inaugural match for the Yorkshire Independent Football Association, so rather more interest than the ‘lesser club in a groundshare’ situation that usually means a game is on a Sunday.
A relatively social 1258 Manchester Victoria – Leeds service, saw Northern deem a single Pacer adequate, and a refurbished Mereseyrail one at that, with horrendous square seats.
The game was being played at Hemsworth Miners Welfare ground which is situated in Fitzwilliam, halfway between Wakefield and Doncaster, and fairly central and accessible to most of the county.
The main reason for my interest in the fledgling Yorkshire 'National' team is that they have joined CONIFA, which whilst sounding like a reality show contestant trying to name a deciduous tree, is actually a wonderfully bat-shit mad international football federation. For those that don't know, there is a whole word of utter madness outside of FIFA recognised countries. You may well roll your eyes that the governing body deems to have as members such footballing giants as Gibraltar, São Tomé e Príncipe, or Brunei Darussalam, but they are Goliaths compared to the non-affiliates.
These consists of refugees, tax havens, people on holiday, fantasy countries that school kids have put together as GCSE projects, and towns that are a bit arsey about their neighbours and what to annex themselves.
However, due to the somewhat shady nature of the countries involved, there has previously been an absolute myriad of competions involving non-affiliated nations, nearly all of which have been organised by Northern Cyprus in an attempt to piss off the Greeks.
- Viva World Cup - Long time forerunner to ConIFA, being set up by a pre-FIFA recognised Jordan (the country not the page 3 girl), with the final competition climaxing in a play off between Arameans Suryoye v Two Sicilies (which is apparently Sicilly and somewhere near Sicilly)
- FIFI Wild Cup - One off replacement for Viva, which saw Zanzibar triumph over the Republic of St. Pauli (yes, the communist suburb of Hamburg)
- ELF Cup - Equality, Liberty, Fraternity - Northern Cyprus host their own cup this time, but are usurped by a Crimea v Găgăuzia Moldova final.
- CSANF 10th Anniversary Cup - The cup for South American non-affiliates, and who could forget the drama of the final with the Juan Fernandez Islands just edging out Armenian Argentine.
In order to try and bring some structure to all this madness, in 2014 the Confederation of Independent Football Associations was formed, although with a logo and acronym that makes them look like a chain of Spanish petrol stations.
As an example of the diversity of the 'nations' represented, here is a largely truthful overview of the participants at the next ConIFA World Football Cup:-
- Barawa - Somalian refugees in London
- Abkhazia - The north west part of Georgia which wants to be Russian
- Panjab - Basically, the Smethwick local Punjab Association somehow competing in international competition
- Padania - Someone wanting the Northern third of Italy to become a separate country
- Northern Cyprus - where ex-pats from Romford who want cheap holiday homes live
- Székely - Hungarians on holiday in Romania who fancy having their own side
- United Koreans of Japan - North Koreans living in Japan who suddenly combined themselves with their Southern counterparts when it was found that Kim Jong-il was abducting Japanese nationals to teach in spy schools.
- Ellan Vannin - the Isle of Man team that only allows Manx players in, set up because the official one is more a league representative side.
- Felvidék - Hungarians on holiday in Slovakia
- Tamil Eelam - who knew Canada had the highest number of Sri Lankans outside of their home country? Well, they have their own football team.
- Western Armenia - Armenians living in Eastern Turkey
- Kiribati - some lamp post in the Pacific that was owned by Blighty until we didn't need it for whaling anymore.
- Tibet - exiled Tibetans who's team managed to cause a threat from China to impose trade sanctions on Denmark.
- Matabeleland - part of Zimbabwe and a protest movement by some ex-pats in South Africa. Anagram of 'a Bell End mat', which I'm sure David Sullivan sells.
- Kabylie - seemingly a team representing the Algerian olive growing trade.
- Cascadia - some American lunatic trying to annex the western coasts of Canada and the USA into a single country on account of them having the same weather.
- Flamingo Land - caravan park near Scarborough.
The football club are located in the miners welfare sports complex.
The football ground is located at the back of the cricket pitch.
The cricket club having the proud boast of having the ugliest pavilion in British cricket, it being a 1970's build after the original burnt down. It used to be shared with the football club but a separate facilities block and club house has now been built.
A large housing estate has been built adjacent to the ground since I last visited, and access is through this modern day suburbia.
But eventually, the new entrance was encountered.
Hemsworth Colliery was titled Fitzwilliam main after the owner. However, the early 1900's saw him evict a lot of miner's out of housing he owned and as persona non grata, the pit was renamed Hemsworth, even though that is a seperate town and the village remained as Fitzwilliam. To further confuse matters, the football ground was named the Fitzwilliam stadium, though currently goes under the name of the Yorkshire NuBuilds stadium.
Ten pound later, four pound more than for the home club's NCEL fixtures, but all for a good cause so happy to pay.
Yorkshire IFA 1 v Ellan Vannin 1, ConIFA Friendly
I was intrigued when I first saw the announcement about the emergence of a Yorkshire international football side, but due diligence was required. Were these a bunch of Wetherspoon inhabiting shellsuit and brogue wearers, encouraged by Brexit, and thinking that you can get any vote passed as long as you make up a load of lies to influence a bunch of racially intolerant pensioners, and were hence looking to overthrow the judicial system and annex Yorkshire? Further investigation persuaded that it was more a bit of fun and promotion of the county. Think of them more as the para-military wing of the Yorkshire tourist board during a negotiated ceasefire, rather than a group that are going to take down Lancashire by driving a hired Transit through the middle of the crowds at the Ramsbottom black pudding throwing championships.
Ellan Vannin football team represent the Manx International Football Alliance. They were set up in 2013 as the existing Isle of Man national side are governed by the IoM FA, but are actually a representative side of the national league, so there is no Manx eligibility criteria, meaning it was full of Liverpudlian bar workers. So, a separate national team was assembled, using the normal FIFA eligibility rules. The new set-up joined ConIFA and proved to be a strong force, finishing third in the 2014 world cup and runners up in the 2015 Euros. The chance to go one better in the 2016 competition was thwarted by British Home Office advice not to travel to the hosts of Abkhazia. Well, I was there at the back end of last year and it was all fine?
There's not too much to say about the ground. It's been in place for donkey's years, by various teams representing the colliery. It was taken over by the new side when they formed in 1981, and has slowly been built up from a railed pitch to a NCEL standard ground.
There is a seating stand on the far touchline. What looks like an identical neighbour is actually the duggouts.
The only other structure is a large facilities block with changing rooms and a club house, and also a bit of protection to spectators at the front. It was built in 2007 for promotion into the NCEL, with the cricket pavilion previously being used.
The ever increasing trend of pre-match warm up keepers towels. The players were all of a decent non-league standard and participating for free, with Bradford Park Avenue represented between the sticks.
The large St George's crosses are seemingly ever present at the ground, but had today been joined by interlopers from other clubs across the county.
A proliferation of white roses, alongside York City quoting local band Shed 7's lyrics. Guiseley and Frickley were also present, though no 1990's middle of the road indie lyrics to quote.
As is well known, every city in Yorkshire hates each other. So as soon as a football team was set up to unite them all, I wondered how long it would be before separate factions set up. The answer was, before the first game had even started.
The Manx players were warming up infront of the cricket pavilion, which looked even more brutal from the inside.
They had also brought along some sort of mascot which disappointingly, wasn't a three legged anthropomorphic representation of the national flag.
Instead it was a footballing cat, which was understandable, seeing as those ones without a tail are probably the most well known thing about the island after tax evasion.
Except this one had a tail. Still, it seems to do all right with the ladies.
And so the big moment arrived, to the accompaniment of a piss poor smoke bomb from the home ultras at the far end. If it was a nautical flare, I'd be dubious about it raising help in a boating pond.
The teams stood for the national anthems.
Which was apparently this for Yorkshire. I'm not sure as the PA could only be heard if you were stood directly infront of the club house.
Despite there being a myriad of press present, I still failed in my lifetime quest to one day find a matchday photographer who isn't dressed like a tramp who has been gifted one free item from Mountain Warehouse. Anyway, there were joint photos.
Then individual photos.
Then we got started. It was actually a very good standard of football from both sides, much better than I'm used to watching. Yorkshire had the chance for a story book start with an early penalty, but it was well saved by the Manx keeper.
The Yorkshire shirt had been available to buy for the last few weeks, hence there were quite a few grown men very proud of their purchases, and wandering around the ground with coats undone, when no-one else in there right mind was
As for the rest of the home crowd. Well, those who follow non-league clubs spent most of the time randomly moaning to each other about Barrow. I'm not sure why, but Barrow have a unifying effect that Kofi Annan could only aspire to, although for the former, it's because everyone seems to despise them. As for league club's representation, this seemed to be nearly all Leeds, easily identifiable because all their supporters are either head to toe in club merchandise or are dressed like throwbacks to the 1970s.
An astute observation was made by someone stood next to me that this crowd was not representative of Yorkshire 'as there is no fucking swearing'. Normality was quickly resumed as at a corner, the ref requested the players to 'stop fucking about in there', a home spectator called a visiting player a 'three legged cunt', and then the smoke bomb brigade from earlier started singing something about the Isle of Man being 'just a something fucking island'.
Here you have the originator of most of the noise, with lone sweary songs about supermarkets for some reason. the one second from the right with school trousers and shoes and a Status Quo tribute leather look PVC jacket. I'll let you decide whether he fits into the full Club Merchandise or 1970's throwback category.
The opposition counterparts being rather more subdued in their attire, wrapping themselves in flags.
Half time and a chance to admire a fantastic offering of non-league ground clutter, including the Northern Hemisphere's most superfluous sun shade parasol.
It was a fairly decent game, but I wasn't massively concerned about watching it all, and the trains back were either leaving after an hour, and a risky 70 minute journey, or stay to the end and have a 58 minute connection in Leeds and a journey back of over two hours.
The former won out so it was back to the station, with the landmark for the entrance being the least welcoming looking betting shop in the whole world of bookmaking.
The Leeds - Doncaster and Sheffield stoppers operate two-hourly on a Sunday, the routes joining at Fitzwilliam to give an hourly service here on in, with this hour being a Sheffield originator so a two car 158.
A prompt run into Leeds meant I made a -2 connection over the footbridge and onto a Calder Valley service. This time Northern had spoilt us with a two car refurbished class 150/1. To keep up the day's theme of niche sporting teams, at Bradford we were joined by a contingent from the Great British under 10s female Ju Jitsu team. I know this because it said so on the back of their track suits, rather than me recognising them. In time we were back at Sowerby.
Where there was the traditional Yorkshire sight of a passing Routemaster bus.
And so ended a very enjoyable afternoon in the intriguing world of non-FIFA affiliated world football. I have to say, I was thinking of attending the ConIFA Euros or World Cup anyway, now with a dog in the fight, it is a certain. Just a shame this summers World Cup, being hosted by Barawa, will actually be played in London rather than their native Somalia. I can't imagine Mogadishu is any more dangerous than the fringes of Wakefield.
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